Monday, March 26, 2007

The Guide by Inge & Herman

'Roman culture, as such, is primarily addapted' spoke the guide, pointing at one of Michelangelo's sculptures. 'Homer, for example, based his Ilias on the Greek sage of Ilias' Odysee but that's nothing new for you, I assume. You are all educated, civilized individuals.
¶ Allow me to recite a poem by our old friend Oscar Wilde,' said the guide.
'Oh please don't,' shouted a dwarf from behind a curtain.
'Who was that?' said the guide.
'Me,' said the dwarf, and a 20 cm high creature with a beer bottle in his little disgusting fists showed up.
The guide looked at him, wanted to spit on him, but controlled himself and asked: 'And why, you awfullly shameless horrible monster, should I not recite a poem when guiding normal, decent people through life? Huh?'
¶ The dwarf did another step forward but fell over his own shoes. Laying on the floor he mumbled 'It's not the poem, it's Mr. Wilde.'
'A piece of art always CONTAINS the creator' he added. 'Even when I say "I am a boot" it reveals a part of my personality. Freud has written some very interesting thoughts on this subject, based upon his observations of Viennese hysterical women'. 'Hm,' said the guide, 'that is a very fertile intermezzo you gave there, mr. Dwarf. It reminds me of some episode in my childhood, but
¶ maybe it's because you're such a little person. I'd never expected a dwarf to be so eloquent.' The guide frowned.
He got bored with the dwarf-subject and chose a method to distract the audience: he took his mobile phone and pretended his lover was calling him. 'No, Peter, not now, I'm working now... yes yes, of course I love you... yes, also your little cock... no no, it's not too small for me... no, you know I like little things.' Then he saw the dwarf, frowning on his turn. Shit, thought the guide, the audience was completely focussed on him now, but how to change this made-up phone-conversation, he wondered. He continued 'Yes Peter, I'll come home as soon as I can to teach you new sexual lessons.' Then he 'hang up'. The audience was staring at the guide, the dwarf was too small to catch up so the guide led the audience outside, locked the
¶ door and said 'Ok guys, listen to what Oscar Wilde would have said in this situation.'
: "As the dog barks, the wind howls, your filthy absent mindedness, leaves me with sickness and...' The guide clapped in his hands 'Beautifull!' he screamed. 'Your royal highness,' said the dwarf, blinking his eyes, 'Let me add one more thing'.
¶ 'Please, go ahead, lovely eloquent dwarf', answered the guide.
The dwarf was honoured but had a greedy character and while given the opportunity to speak with the attention of so many people at once, he totally lost control and started to mix a political speech with 'the Highlight of Dwarvian Poetry' with his life's story with Alice in Wonderland and so on, so after 3, 4 minutes people got bored, looked at each other while making 'crazy'-gestures with their fingers and forehead and walked away. 2 weeks later, completely dehydrated and out of saliva, the dwarf noticed his audience had left him and said to himself 'Whatever, life isn't over yet', and lit a joint while heading home.

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